I'm A Survivor
| "How close is a nervous
breakdown to going over the edge? I'm a Survivor of Stalking and This is My Story... Stalking is about power. The power a stalker wields over his victim and the power a victim unwillingly gives to a stalker. The year of 1998 I gave a stalker control of my life for over 11 months. At first I thought it was coincidence. It took me about 3-4 weeks to realize it wasn't and just how serious the matter truly was. When you begin to face reality and realize you are being stalked you immediately think of the obvious; go to the police. In my case it wasn't that simple. I had to tread carefully as my stalker was no ordinary person. He was an Officer from the County Sheriff's Department. For the past two years I've had to commute one hour each way back and forth to work. Usually returning home about 1am. Many times the only vehicles I saw were truck drivers or local Policemen, Deputy Sheriff's and State Troopers watching out for drunk drivers. The country area in which I live has several popular bar hangouts for the local college kids. His routine was pretty much the same Tuesday through Friday. Somewhere along the range of one mile to one and a half miles before the turn off to my street he would be waiting by the side of the road ready to pull out behind me. Many times he would be traveling out of town just when I was coming in. He'd pull off to the side of the road and wait for me to pass then do a U Turn and follow me back into town. I think just those actions alone would not have upset me so much if there was not more to it than that. He liked to follow me closely. I'm not talking within a semi~truck length distance or even a compact car distance. He would follow so close to my bumper most nights I could not see his headlights in my rear view mirror. But yet I could clearly see the lights on top of his patrol car. After some time of being stalked and so closely watched it changes you inside. It changes the way you deal with your everyday life. You begin to feel as though you are walking a tightrope every moment of every day. You begin watching everyone around you. You begin listening to every noise so as not to be taken off guard. But as time passes, for some reason after being on guard for so long I found myself not hearing those around me. And not seeing the movements of people around me. My survival instincts of watching everything around me as I went through my days became so stressful to my system it was overriding the very thing I was trying to do. The girls at work thought it was funny that I was startled easily when they took me by surprise. Soon they started doing it just to tease me as kind of a joke. What they thought was something to laugh at, was not that at all. They didn't realize it upset me so much I would have turn away or go into the bathroom so they wouldn't see me cry in fear, and frustration and anger at myself. I was furious with myself for 'being' so weak. I was lucky. I had two very dear friends who helped me deal with the drastic impact this was having on my life. Shari and Curtis were my lifeline to sanity. The nights my stalker had terrified me more than usual it was Curtis' hugs and support that kept me grounded and feeling protected. It was Shari's sisterly love and unfailing belief that I could overcome this experience, that kept me believing I could triumph over his determination to terrify me. Without them both, I truly believe I would not have survived my experience with my sanity intact. Finally one night when the Policeman was following behind me I somehow found the courage to pull off to the side of the road and let him pass me so that I could get the number on the back of the patrol car. I didn't feel I was able to go to the police without that number as proof as to who it was and that this was happening. And seeing as he was always behind me, there was no chance of me ever getting the number unless I somehow got behind him. He passed by me after I pulled off to the side of the road. And I got the number on the car and then pulled back out behind him. To this day I still can't describe the feeling of relief and another undefinable feeling that was pounding in my chest like thunder that night. I later realized that undefinable feeling was a feeling of power. My Power. The power I now had to stop him. I guess he had thought I was trying to evade him when I pulled back out behind him because he then pulled off to the side, waited for me to pass, and then pulled back out behind me again. But you know what? I didn't care. And for the first time he no longer had power over me. Because I had the means to stop his terrifying actions. This was the beginning of the end. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, The very next day I went to the Sheriff's office and spoke to his Captain. I could tell because he thought I didn't have proof as to who it was he was going to let the whole matter 'slide.' But when I told him I had finally gotten the car number last night and that is why I just now came to make the complaint, he asked me what it was. When I told him the number his face told a thousand stories. He looked like this was not the first time this officer had been complained about. And that he was quite frankly getting tired of dealing with whatever else this officer had dealt him as his superior. He told me that he would talk to the officer in question and get back to me the next day. As I knew would happen... he didn't. My father went with me down to the station to speak with the Captain a few days later when he still had not gotten in touch with me. Of course being a man, my father was taken much more seriously than I had been and was also told much more information about the officer than I had been. We were told the officer in question was a rookie and eager to make a name for himself. Also that he was not happy about being stuck in a small town where nothing hardly happens. He had been placed in my town in January (I assume right after graduating). Which is exactly when it started. The second week in January. The officer claimed he liked to check vehicles for DWI's as there is pretty much nothing else to do. And that he had not realized he was following the same vehicle repeatedly. This I had a huge problem with. As a law officer, it is his job and duty to pay attention to details. You can't tell me he followed the same person, in the same vehicle, for over 11 months and did not realize it was the same person!! I have personalized plates that usually leaves an impression of some sort on most people. It's not that easily forgettable. So if he was seeing this plate repeatedly, he'd definitely remember it. His Captain told us the officer was reprimanded and told not to bother me again. He told them now that he knew I was returning from work he would have no reason to. I was told if he should bother me again to contact his Captain immediately. My father informed them that should he bother me again he would be back with me to press charges against the officer and the department. The following Tuesday when the officer was back to work he again did what he usually does. He U turned and followed me home, just inches from the back of my truck. I knew what he was doing. That was his 'pay back' for getting him in trouble. Which he never would have been in if he had acted and behaved as his station as an Officer of the Law demands. Hoping with all my heart that this was the last of him I would see, I did not report it to his Captain. For which I have berated myself repeatedly since that night. I hardly saw him after the 'pay back' incident. And a month or two later he was transferred to another town. But still, I can't help wondering if I had told his Captain he had done it again, if it would have put him off the streets to keep him from harassing others. That is something I will never know and at the same time it will hang over my head that I may have been able to stop him from harassing someone else in the future. My nightmare still haunts me from time to time. I've tried to bury the fear, and feel indifference and relief that it's finally over, but it isn't that easy. I found a very special place online that helps victims of stalking cope with the experience by offering multitudes of resources to expand your knowledge of self-protection and also offers support groups via chat rooms as well as message boards. The Stalking Victims Sanctuary I am dedicating this Survivor page to Lady J. For when I saw her "I'm A Survivor Award" I realized I had a reason to be proud of myself. Proud that I did not let him get the better of me and proud that I fought back for myself. I have her to thank for that realization. Update 28 May 2000 Never would I have guessed that the emotional scars from my experience would still affect me almost two full years later. I don't startle as easily as I used to, but I do have my moments. I still panic when I see a Police car. I'm still terrified of Policemen. But most of the worst fear and panic attacks I still have are when someone rides too close behind me. 'Tailgater' is the most common term used. I start shaking and sometimes panic fills me uncontrollably. There have been times following the year after the incidents, that I had to fight with myself against slamming on the brakes when someone tailgated. I still have those moments in the most stressful of driving times. Most often it happens on the thruway when there isn't a way I can move over to let a tailgater pass because I have a semi beside me and a slow moving car in front of me. And when I know the person who is tailgating can clearly see that I have nowhere to go, the panic only grows. And the feeling of doing whatever it takes to get the person away from me becomes overwhelming. The immediate reaction is to slam on the brakes to get him to stop. The scariest part is wondering if a time will come that you will not be able to control that panic. After the incidents stopped and I was slowly learning to cope with my fears and panic attacks I had a new problem that arose. I became easily stressed and overwhelmed. If something was moved out of it's place repeatedly and I had to go out of my way to keep searching for it I'd often burst into tears. The same would happen if someone became unhappy with me for some reason and spoke to me about it. I couldn't 'deal' with any kind of stress. Now that I look back I can see that I needed stress management counseling. And probably could still benefit from it. There are still times when stress becomes overwhelming and I'm thrown back to walking the tightrope over the black chasm. But I'm taking it a day at a time and finding new ways that help me cope with feelings of panic and being overwhelmed. To be honest, this experience has not been *all* bad for me. I used to be the type of person that rarely became angry. I had always held my emotions in check and never let anyone know how badly they might have hurt me, and never told someone off who took advantage of me repeatedly. (Until it got to the point I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.) I had an infinite amount of patience. Trust me, it isn't healthy for anyone to bottle up their emotions. I don't have that infinite patience I was once known for anymore. I now have what I consider to be a normally adjusted persons patience. *grins* I'll put up with only so much before I let someone know I know they are taking advantage of me and I don't appreciate it. I no longer let people walk all over me and say 'hey it's okay please do it again sometime.' I no longer put up with people who are rude, obnoxious, and disrespectful simply because I feel bad that no one else will put up with them. I look at it as though I'm now living 'emotionally healthy.' When someone upsets me I try to be sure and tell them I'm unhappy with them right away and not bury the feelings where they'll erupt later like a volcano. 'Friends' that were extremely emotionally needy to the point of putting me back on the tightrope everytime I spoke with them I had to let go of for the emotional health of my own well being. Activities that I only did to please someone else, but stressed me out while doing them I also let go of. As a result the people closest to me and even those who aren't have seen a big difference in me often noting how much happier and relaxed I am now. After the near death of my mother earlier this year I was again struck with the knowledge that life is much too short to waste it being stressed about things you needn't be and on things that aren't important in your life. Life is much too short to spend it doing things that only make you unhappy. |